anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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