Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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