You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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