apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
