....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
