VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
