After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Randomize
