i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
