Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
