You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
