why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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