I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
