You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
