My hand turned me down
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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