Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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