my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he was CRYING into my vagina
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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