You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found puke in my bra..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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