my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
