im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
