So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
