so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
