I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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