Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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