FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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