I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
