I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
