just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
