Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I deserve this hangover.
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