remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
