Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
