and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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