I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
