i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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