is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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