i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
