Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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