I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
