I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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