he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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