my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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