the condom got lost in my hair
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
