I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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