if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
nutella sex= disaster
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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