I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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