I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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