Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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