I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize