2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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