I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
