I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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