Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
