I accidentally had phone sex last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
