i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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