Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
